The Slutty Largesse’s Arrested Development Wednesday Salutes: Lindsay Bluth Funke

Lindsay represents the liberal elite of the Bluth family, a woman who fashions herself an activist but who in reality divides her time pretty evenly between shopping and throwing back martinis with her mother.  (Something of a national pastime in the Bluth family, sharing drinks with Mother Bluth rarely ends well.)  For Lindsay, sharing drinks with her mom never ends well, and by the end of the series we start to understand a bit more as to why this is.  You see, Lindsay is both Michael’s twin sister and the adopted daughter of George and Lucille.  Do the math.

Lucille’s distain for Lindsay is not altogether unfamiliar.  She does, after all, hate both Gob and her husband.  But her hatred for Lindsay comes from a different place, a darker place, a place categorically distinct from the typical parent-child hatefest on Arrested.  Simply put, Lucille sees Lindsay as competition, a concept that comes into greater focus when we learn that she and George adopted Lindsay at a young age to spite a family rival (the Sitwells).  They raised Lindsay as Michael’s twin (despite her being three years older than him), didn’t tell her that she was adopted, and showered her with extravagant gifts and little else.  As a result, Lindsay has never worked, she engages in a lot of attention-seeking behavior, is obsessed with social status (hence her interest in being an activist), and spends a lot of time asking her brother Michael for money.

Lindsay’s pretty hot too, an issue that fuels Lucille’s hatred of her – if only because they vie for the attention of the same group of rich, young men.  She wears shirts with “SLUT” sequined on the front, is happy to give herself to any man that’ll pay for mimosas the next morning, and from time to time will use her sexuality in her activism.  This makes her something of a trendsetter I suppose, as I’m not sure that’s ever happened before.  Although I’d love to see Megan Fox try.  Or Minka Kelly.  Mmmmmmmmm.  TV is awesome.  Anyway, Lindsay’s sexual exploits frequently surprise her husband, Tobias, and their daughter Maeby.  But as we get to know Tobias it’s not very difficult to understand why Lindsay tries to find sexual comfort outside of her shared bedroom with Tobias.  He is, for all intents and purposes, extremely gay and extremely unaware of it.  Their daughter, appropriate named Maeby, is the lone connection to Tobias’ heterosexuality.  (Please consult with Alistair for an explanation about how to best maintain the illusion of heterosexuality.)  But it’s pretty clear that Tobias and Lindsay haven’t had sex since Maeby’s conception.  As a result, Lindsay’s sexual frustration is on display for all to see and, more importantly, available to the highest bidder.  She’s usually a bit more expensive than her mother.

Lindsay’s attempts to lure men into her bedroom typically fail miserably (see: Detective Frank Wrench and Bob Loblaw.)  As a result, her desperation and sexual frustration mount from show to show, season to season.  Finally, at her lowest point, relieved at the notion that she is not a “real Bluth”, she throws herself at her brother Michael.  Michael, sensing his sister’s maneuvering for a larger piece of the family checkbook, and totally unable to wrap his head around his sister’s peculiar incestuous behavior, turns her down.  Lindsay, upset at Michael’s decision, figures it’s because of her superficial lifestyle and misguided family values (i.e., she often forgets that she has a daughter.)  She’s saddened to learn that it’s actually because Michael’s not interested in older women.

At this moment, the culmination of a life spent begging people to love her becomes all too real.  And it’s in this moment that we learn that Lindsay is no different than every other Bluth.  She too has never been accepted.

And this is why we love her.