We don’t take here at the Largesse. We give. We give our time and our mental hugeness. We provide for you. We have to because of our embarassment of intellectual, emotional, and sexual god-given riches.
We share. We share our friends with you. They are givers also and we offer them to you.
We ask for nothing in return except that you simply read and accept their dominance in life. We don’t care what you really think of them because ultimately we recognize that our opinion is really the right opinion. The Largesse is proud to give you:
A. Friend
A. Friend is nearly the biggest person in his office, and his presence on this site will lower the average weight by at least ten pounds. A believer in quantity over quality, he subscribes to more magazines than most newsstands, which allows him to keep up with the zeitgeist without getting bogged down in too many details. He once heard that the average millionaire reads two books a month, so he strives to keep up that pace while wondering if he may have confused causation and correlation. Neither an early adopter nor a luddite, he thinks techies are lame but has an abiding respect for the transformative possibilities of technology. Except for Twitter—he thinks Twitter is bullshit. He has partial ownership of an iPod but rarely uses it, preferring to experience the sounds of life during his morning commute. Despite this, he likes most types of music, though he carries a chip on his shoulder about rap after being told in 1994 that the rendition of “Dre Day” he had just laid down in the school cafeteria was “too sing-songy.” He believes that nothing on network television can compare with anything HBO puts out (other than “John from Cincinnati”) and wonders what this says about the centrality of cursing and nudity in modern life.
A holder of strong opinions, he nevertheless believes that everyone is entitled to their own, and he enjoys nothing more than sitting around with smart people exchanging them over a few cold beverages. He knows that the marketplace of ideas is our best defense against the insanity that rules popular culture, and looks forward to enlightening readers thusly. He also knows that, deep down, you agree with him about Twitter.
Alistair Hennessey
“Fact. I am better than you.
At 28 and a mere six feet tall and 160 lbs., I am the youngest and sleekest member of The Largesse; I am literally dwarfed by them in every way. I can stand up straight and hide behind both of them. I know this because I have done it, while in altered states, far too many times. Although I have less formal education than either of my colleagues, I have better hair, and when we hang out I am the only one who can pull off dark, tight, True Religion jeans with Chucks and a black t-shirt with only half of the people who see me thinking I have a thing for “bears”, which I do, but not in the way I just implied. The most bad-ass thing about my life is that I frequently track and handle dangerous and deadly animals. I’ve been bitten by a black bear, several pythons and a rattlesnake. No big deal though, it’s nothing a little antivenin couldn’t have handled, but instead I just waited it out. The rabies shots after a rabid raccoon attack were much worse. And, yes, I do have a beard, thank you for asking. I also have a hot Asian girlfriend, but really, whose keeping track other than the endless wheel of Dharma. I’m a “Buddhist” by the way and find studying religion absurd and humorous.
While not as well read as my colleagues (like all things in life I go for quality over quantity) I do love the written word. Additionally, I have the best taste in music of any one of us here at The Largesse. Being a true gormandizer, my giant iPod is full of the greatest songs of this generation and all past generations (and it’s massive capacity is NOT compensating for anything else, just ask my hot Asian girlfriend). I am especially fond of Punk, post-punk, indie, and lately, singer-songwriter-esque-punk-fusion. Nothing pretentious – I can’t stand pretentious people. Take my friend Omar from the Mars Volta for example. He’s in one of the greatest bands out there and has a completely level head. He’s in it for the art and that’s what makes his songs so real when he plays them for all of us as he’s writing and working through the process.
I also abhor name-droppers, movies that masquerade as films, and mean people.”
-A
sent from my iPhone
Bernie M.
“I spend my days monitoring the risk of multimillion dollar portfolios composed of shit you can’t comprehend but have found it appropriate to give back by shedding some light on what really happens on The Street. So the headset is off, the Bloomberg is powered down and my knowledge of finance is aimed at you. I’m the only one here at Big Man U (Stankonia, 2009) whose 401k remains strong, like my flow – so pay attention.”
Stankonia
It was a joyous day around here when, after two unofficial visits to campus, Stankonia finally signed his letter of intent to write for the Largesse. His early work established him as a 5-star prospect with a vicious keystroke, and he instantly became the crown jewel of The L’s recruiting class. Now, at long last, he brings his game here, to the internet’s Big Man U.
While we appreciate his ability to go left and his willingness to speak truth to power, what we really covet is his unsurpassed travel experience. The kid is more worldly than swine flu, and considerably more lethal. When you were too young to ride your bike to the next town over without an escort, he was climbing Kilimanjaro. When you were feeling all sophisticated because you did a semester abroad in Dublin, he was living in the Amazon rainforest, drinking fermented saliva to catch a buzz and nursing a tapeworm like a house pet. But now you can stop trying to keep pace, partly because it’s futile, and partly because he’s here to share his riches with you, as the Largesse’s official travel correspondent.
An East Coast liberal elite by choice, not by birth, he has also held strong to enough of his Midwestern roots to know that he’s equally unimpressed with all of you, albeit for different reasons. He may not be cool enough to run with Bourdain, because that guy is just gangster, but he far outclasses those coños at Let’s Go and Lonely Planet.
1. coño: (kōn yō) n. pussy, cunt. (slang)
Consider that your first lesson.
Tripp Prescott the Third
“I’m Tripp, and I prepped at a prestigious boys school before going on to an Ivy League intstitution. (You’ve heard of it.) Oh, and I also play lacrosse.
Everyone can suck it.”
Uncle Matt 1.5
Uncle Matt is a functionally dyslexic public school teacher in New York City. His favorite Springsteen album is The Wild, The Innocent & The E Street Shuffle. He has lived in New York for the past 8 years. According to Woody Allen he is two years shy of becoming a real “New Yorker,” which, based on his observations, means he’ll be neurotic and narcissistic.
When Uncle Matt was in the sixth grade his family moved to Pewaukee, Wisconsin a small suburban commuter town 40 miles outside of Milwaukee. During the spring semester the sixth graders took a field trip to see the Brewers play in the old County Stadium. On the way home, in front of a rapt audience of 6th graders, a discussion ensued between Uncle Matt and the most popular kid in school, “Jon Davis” (real name: Jon Davis). The discussion concerned the nature of the Underground Railroad. “Jon” asserted Underground Railroad was, in fact, an actual physical train running a subterranean route north to Canada, and Harriet Tubman was an actual conductor engineering the train. Uncle Matt countered Jon’s assertion, arguing that “Jon” was, in fact, unconscionably stupid, borderline “retarded.” Every single student on the bus voiced his or her support of “Jon” with a combination of yelling and jeering. Uncle Matt was a lame duck pariah. But here’s the silver lining: every time the city of New York pisses off Uncle Matt with its arsenal of pissing-off weapons, he thinks of that yellow school bus story and feels glad to be Here.
V. Bickerstaff
V. Bickerstaff is not your conventional broad; she’s too angry to be considered “feminine,” and the only reason she wears skirts is for ventilation. The recipient of a Catholic upbringing, she spends her time analyzing the psychological ramifications of obedience to the Pope and first-born guilt. Talents include: driving with her knees, making the best pot of coffee Alistair Hennessey has ever had, running short distances, and knitting. She enjoys chapstick, Miller High Life, red meat, and telling people to “suck it.”
Chances are, you disgust her.
