The Largesse Recommends Belgium

Today I learned that Belgium is awesome.  For quite some time I have been taken with the finer points of this fair country: waffles, beer, and chocolate come to mind.  Throw in the legalization of euthanasia and gay marriage, the massive amounts of ecstasy consumed on the streets, and the highest proportion of households with cable television in the world (97%) and we are really on to something here (say nothing of the fact that In Bruges is maybe the most underrated movie of the past ten years.)  And yes, this will be the topic of my next post – Grosse Pointe Blank anyone?  For now though, I want to reflect for all of us how awesome it is that Belgium has decided to start bitch-slapping the Catholic Church.

My bad, Belgium.

The Largesse Recommends that Jon Stewart be Very, Very Careful

Now that The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is back from its annual late-summer break, it seems like a good time to reflect on how it’s been doing in the ten months since the election.  You may remember that this period of time that was supposed to mark the end of humor for the comedians, Stewart very much included, who made their bones on the awe-inspiring hypocrisy of the Bush administration and ended up marking the point at which serious studies began concluding that Stewart was, as his commercials have always mockingly stated, “the most trusted name in news.”

The Discerning Largesse Vigorously Denounces Thomas Ian Nicholas

1999 was a fine year.  Apple introduced the Power Mac (again, I think), Y2K preparation was fierce, Wayne Gretzky played his last game, Stephen King was run over by a car, the realization of Prince’s dream was achieved in that we literally partied like it was (and in) “1999” and of course, we watched “American Pie” one thousand times.  How good was that movie?  If you’re like me you might remember feeling quite fond about this movie despite the presence of Thomas Ian Nicholas, the man who we would like to vigorously denounce for the next few hundred words. Look him up. I did and I was shocked to read that he fronted a band named “T.I.N” for many years while soaking in the glow of his post American Pie suckiness. I have yet to download T.I.N., but I’m guessing that they sounded like a cross between childbirth and Blink-182. This guy blows. God, he’s so goddamn irritating.

The OCD Largesse Recommends Hand Sanitizer

Big ups to the people at H1N1 for raising awareness about the awesomeness of hand sanitizer.  Good lord do I love me some bodily cleaning products that showcase the glory of ethyl alcohol; that shit is pure antiseptic.  I mean, like, real pure.  Don’t light a cigarette after touching this shit because your hands will burst into flames.  I’ve tried it and once the alcohol burns off your hands things grow slightly uncomfortable for the epidermis.

The Fantasty-Inducing Largesse Recommends Keeper Leagues

As our ages inch upwards and our verticals inch downwards, we at The Largesse find the need to compete grows as we get older.  Most of us are now much closer to coaching Little League than we are to having played it, and this time of year is a cruel reminder of what could have been if we had just kept our foot on that bag or taken the bat off our shoulder in that final at-bat and reached the promised land of Williamsport and ESPN.  With our newfound maturity, we seek out new ways to release our competitive energies; from golf to our salaries, everything means everything because we don’t really have more “official” outlets anymore.  We were raised to play sports, most of us (Alistair throws like a girl, but don’t tell anyone), and now that our skills have peaked and deteriorated before anyone else even recognized we possessed them, we are off in search of a way to declare our primacy and belittle those closest to us.  We play, of course, fantasy football.

The Spiralling Largesse Recommends Dialectics

No, not the book, Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, although that shit is pretty wild too.  I remain haunted by the exploding volcano commercials of my youth pimping Mr. Hubbard’s book on the modern science of mental health.  Look no further than Tom Cruise to properly appreciate all that this “science” has done for mankind and its perpetual search to understand irrational behavior.  Rumor has it that Notorious is embarking upon a literary journey of Mr. Hubbard.  Under no circumstances can that end poorly.  Me on the other hand, I’d prefer to throw haymakers at the Travolta family and cozy up with a glass of dialectics, a far superior philosophical paradigm.  In fact, consider this the first effort to secularize followers of dialectics (insert: picture of an avalanche tumbling).  Fuck volcanoes.

Dialectics is a philosophical construct that attempts to explain how two people with differing opinions can reach common ground through dialogue.  I know what you’re thinking: “um, advantage Dianetics” (aliens, volcanoes, auditing, cybernetics, etc.)  But don’t be fooled by L. Ron’s shiny engrams; dialectics is everything that Dianetics is and more.  And real, so like, there’s that.  Dialectics is concerned with issues far more complex than irrational human behavior.  Rather, dialectics attempts to explain change.  That’s right, it’s a field of study actually devoted to understanding the process of change.  Go ahead and try to explain change today if you have a few minutes; then try to explain human behavior using Xenu and the First Wall of Fire.  Let me know which one is harder.  Xenu is bush league compared to Plato and Socrates.

The Saddened Largesse Recommends John Hughes (1950-2009)

The passing of John Hughes has not gone unnoticed here at The Largesse.  We grew up on the man’s movies and we recognize the fact that in many ways he is largely responsible for the way all of us (including ourselves) viewed teenagers in the ’80s.  We forgive his latter day transgressions as a neutered writer of Disney crap like Beethoven’s Fifth, Beethoven’s Fourth, and Baby’s Day Out, mostly because his track record as a director is spotless.  In case you somehow haven’t read this elsewhere by now, the man directed seven films (we choose to ignore the existence of Curly Sue) and they’re all close to perfect.  In order: Sixteen Candles; The Breakfast Club; Weird Science; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; She’s Having A Baby; and Uncle Buck.  Oh, and in his spare time he wrote National Lampoon’s Vacation, Mr. Mom, and The Great Outdoors.  Meanwhile, I write for a blog and quietly hate myself.

The Still-Hungry Largesse Denounces Tapas

I don’t know when it happened, precisely.  At some point, a group of people must have gotten together and decided that while they enjoyed eating great food, they would probably enjoy it even more if they could have no more than five bites of that particular dish.  Or even three, if the “friend” sitting next to you decided that you would share your choices with each other.  We at The Largesse have considered this matter carefully and extensively, and we have decided to say, “Fuck you, tapas.”

The Hulkamaniac Largesse Wishes Terry Hogan a Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Hulkster.  Leg drops: all around.

He's a real American. He fights for the rights of every man. He's a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Animal humor after the jump.

The Fresh Largesse Remembers 1990s Hip-Hop Dance Procedurals

Part II, 1995-1999

We continue to explore the fractured, musical legacy of the 1990s through the lens of the dance procedural.  Uh-huh, we’re not afraid to go there, so pony up.  (See part one here.)