The Fantasty-Inducing Largesse Recommends Keeper Leagues

As our ages inch upwards and our verticals inch downwards, we at The Largesse find the need to compete grows as we get older.  Most of us are now much closer to coaching Little League than we are to having played it, and this time of year is a cruel reminder of what could have been if we had just kept our foot on that bag or taken the bat off our shoulder in that final at-bat and reached the promised land of Williamsport and ESPN.  With our newfound maturity, we seek out new ways to release our competitive energies; from golf to our salaries, everything means everything because we don’t really have more “official” outlets anymore.  We were raised to play sports, most of us (Alistair throws like a girl, but don’t tell anyone), and now that our skills have peaked and deteriorated before anyone else even recognized we possessed them, we are off in search of a way to declare our primacy and belittle those closest to us.  We play, of course, fantasy football.

The Scientific Largesse Denounces Jenny McCarthy

Did it ever strike you as strange that Jenny McCarthy “cured” autism?  Perhaps this concept makes more sense to you when you consider that she was aided by Jim Carrey?  Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey cured autism.

(deep breath)

The Largesse Goes on a Jazz Odyssey

We’re going to go a bit free-form this weekend.

Let’s all congratulate Plax for a couple of things.  First, his Penguins (somewhat improbably) won the Stanley Cup last night, bringing success to the single most underrated city in the country.  Plax and I once drove to Pittsburgh to see a midget named Man Boy run down a bar and pour shots in people’s mouths.  (True story.)  We went to a Pirates game so we wouldn’t have to tell people we went all that way just to see a midget, but then two things happened: Man Boy was worth the drive and so was the whole city of Pittsburgh.  Cool town.

The Largesse Denownces the Scripps Spelling Bee

For the love of god, why are we forced to watch this every year?  Plax uses it to teach me about the autism spectrum, so at least we make something out of it, but what about the rest of the country?  Were we all so tortured by our adolescence that we have to watch a bunch of kids cram their hands in their pockets and speak into their shoulders for a couple hours each year to deal with the residual pain?  They even do these little bio segments on these kids and pretend that the little freaks are different from one another:  “I want to be an engineer.”   “My real love is math.”  “I’m unable to read people’s facial expressions.”